Maybe it’s that I don’t want anyone to die so we can all figure it out together. Maybe its that I don’t understand why people are always crying about everything, or laughing about anything. Maybe it’s just that I don’t get how it will all wrap up in the end. I don’t know, maybe it’s none of those things. All I do know is that when I put my ear to the ground, I can hear the core of everything in existence at a muffled roar, but I can’t exactly explain what its telling me. It’s like there’s something on the tip of my tongue and want to scream out once it comes to me. Maybe that’s what it is.
I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m sitting in a theater watching my life play out backwards. I can see everything I’ve done, and I can feel everything I’ve ever felt, and I cannot help but wonder if it was ever worth it while the funeral scene rolls and everyone is walking backwards out of the aisles. As the film continues, I can see all the times I am walking around backwards thinking my backwards thoughts about how important what I’m doing is. I laugh at all those trivial thoughts. I laugh at how seriously I took things that didn’t matter ten minutes later. At some parts, I cry because I see myself in anguish over all kinds of death, but the film always runs backwards to my oblivious smiling face. The more I watch, the more I am moved by a common theme. When I see my life in the context of other people, it is beautiful. I can see all the times I have watched a breathtaking sunset but was utterly frustrated with the fact I can’t see an ounce of beauty in it because I am alone. But I can also see myself holding a baby in my arms, then kissing my wife for the first time, then smoking my first cigarette with my high school friends, then building a castle out of legos with my dad as a little kid, and my mom holding me in her arms the day I was born. That is what God created me for. All the times I wondered why I was born, the answer was all around me: I was born to love and to be loved. I was created by the God of love to immerse myself in the beauty of all the Earth through His love. I always spent hours upon hours wondering what God would tell me when I finally got to ask Him everything I wanted to know about the world. The answer is already here, seeded deep in my heart and apparent everywhere around me.
From time to time, watch your life in reverse, but live it moving forward, and embrace it for all it’s worth.
I can’t quite explain it, but I really do just love people so much. I think maybe that is part of what comes when you are given the Holy Spirit, because I just feel a love for people that is directed and charged by something that isn’t me. I mean, it is where I have rooted myself, but I just wasn’t born with this loving of a heart, and I am so thankful for it because I can’t think of any better way to live. I think it is just when I see the heart of Jesus, it is just so contagious, and I want everyone to have it so badly, so I just have a deep desire to put everyone else before myself. I think that is so crucial and I wish everyone would just get it completely, and when I say everyone, I mean me too. While I may not be able to exactly explain what is going on at all times, I can see beauty in everything because I look through the lens of the love of my Father, because His love is so much stronger than mine.
In all the chaos and confusion life comes with, the love of Jesus is the only thing that really makes sense. And if you are a child of God, your life begins and ends with love. So fill everything in between with love too… Honestly, it’s just what everything comes down to.